Tips for Understanding Your Spouse's Dysfunctional Family: You are Not the Problem

You are in a state of despair when as a new bride, you suddenly realize that you unknowingly, married into a dysfunctional family. For example, you have a rude awakening when your mother-in-law takes you aside and says to you, “That is what men do; women have to put up with it.” Suddenly, your dream of a wonderful, happy marriage disintegrates in a whirlwind of tears. “You might have to, but I don’t,” you tell yourself. You are shocked, angry and frustrated. You never suspected what was happening in your new family.

“Understanding Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns in Your Family” suggests that there are different types of dysfunctional families. Understanding a dysfunctional family relationship is never easy, particularly when you have come out of a happy home.

Because love is blind, many young college or university graduates as newlyweds, find that they have unknowingly married into dysfunctional families. What may have appeared to be perfect in terms of new, marital family relationships turns out to be disastrous. 

This can affect your mental health, as well as the physical, emotional and spiritual realms of your life. What can you do?

Consider the following tips for understanding your new spouse’s dysfunctional family:

Be aware that the family into which you married, does not see themselves as a dysfunctional family. Do not try to tell them that they are. What they are doing is what they have done for many years, maybe even for generations. Their lifestyle may appear to be rocky and treacherous for you and your new spouse, but it works for them.

Remember that no marital relationship is perfect and your marriage will have problems too, in spite of all your best intentions. At the same time, positive, constructive changes can be part of any new, marital relationship. You and your spouse can bring about changes in your marriage.

As newly weds, keep an open dialogue. Remember that dysfunctional families are an embarrassment to other family members, even though your new spouse may try to defend or cover over what is happening.

Find someone to talk to about what is happening in your spouse’s dysfunctional family. Seek professional counseling and guidance for yourself and your new spouse, as soon as possible.

Distance yourself from any situation where the family dysfunction runs rampant. You do not need to allow yourself, your spouse or children to suffer abuse; nor should you accept the blame for what they are doing or saying. You are not the problem. You cannot solve their problems; nor do you have to actively participate in something that is not right.

Draw close to your own family and others with functional families, so that your spouse can see and learn the difference between a functional family and a dysfunctional family. Be aware that patterns of marital behavior can change, but it takes time and effort on the part of both spouses to bring about a positive and happy, functional relationship.

Show your spouse that there is a better way to live. No one really likes living under the constant conflict and discord of dysfunctional families. You and your spouse may be able to avoid future problems by refusing to participate or engage in potentially, dysfunctional familial situations. Let them know you love them regardless, but do not approve of that they are doing.

Set a good example with your own high ideals for marriage and stick to them. You will be glad that you did, particularly if they begin to realize there us a better way to live as a family. They may follow your example in time. If not, you may find yourself and your spouse turning away from them, or they may simply reject you in their lives because you do not approve of their life style.

Remember that your new, married life is yours and the choices in your marriage are yours to make. Strive towards building a positive functional marriage and family relationship that works for you and your spouse, right from the beginning.