Losing a loved one is never
easy. How one deals with losing a loved one is extremely important in terms of
life and future relationships. Many family relationships and other
relationships as well, can be and often are irreparably, and permanently
damaged by inappropriate responses from others who are also reacting to the pending
death, or to the actual death of a loved one.
Many people become extremely
cruel and unkind to others when they become aware of a close, family member or
friend who is diagnosed with a terminal illness, or someone who has died. This can be due
to their own sorrow, anger, frustration, feeling of helplessness, etc. In turn, they hit out at others
cruelly, brutally and relentlessly. In some sense, this may be perceived as an
actual cry for help by them, but in another sense, it is actually the way that
they choose to deal with the stress of others dying and the way of they cope
with the actual death itself, when it does happen.
Terminal illness and death are
issues that every human being has to confront in his or her lifetime. It may be
his or her illness and possible death that must be dealt with, or it may be that which
involves others like grandparents, parents, other family members who are close
or distant relatives, friends or acquaintances. This can be even more difficult
when it involves the terminal illness or the death of a child.
Grief is a personal reaction to
a terminal illness or a death. It can take on many different faces, phases and
expressions, some of which are appropriate, but many which are not appropriate.
Understanding the grief process
can help relieve the stressful situation immensely. There is no easy way to deal
with grief, but unless it is dealt with rightly and appropriately, it can and
will affect the entire lives of other people in the future. Remember that the words, deeds
and actions of the person who is grieving, can cut to the core with respect to
the lives of the person or people, who the grief-stricken person feels that
they need to hurt, for whatever reason. This may or may not be deserved by the
other person victimized because of the terminal illness or death.
Look for a moment at some of
the inappropriate expressions of grief.
Hurting others in any way,
intentionally or unintentionally, particularly family members, friends or those
who you love, is never an appropriate expression of a grief reaction; neither
is hurting those who you don't love. Your grief is your grief and not theirs.
They do not need to be hurt by you, just because you are hurting. They may
actually be the ones who are trying to help you. Do not shut them out or cause
them emotional pain, just because you are in pain, for whatever reason.
Dredging up old feelings, hurt,
frustration, anger, failures, imperfections, flaws, weaknesses, disabilities,
or painful memories, is never appropriate when someone is grieving.
Fighting over material things
or belongings is not an appropriate expression of grief either, but it is
common to see families and friends openly fighting over possessions and wills,
even before the person who has a terminal illness has passed on.
Failure to notify others or not
telling certain people including family members, friends or others, when
someone has a terminal illness or has passed away, is not an appropriate grief
response. They might need to say goodbye in their own way. You are not the only
one who is losing someone. They are too, even if only from a distance.
Omitting or forgetting to
include others intentionally or unintentionally, from services, funerals,
family gatherings or dinners, candlelight vigils, or in whatever way others are
left out, is an inappropriate expression of grief. Remember that the others who
are being left out might need to grieve, too. It is not just you that is
grieving a loss.
Scapegoating one particular
person, when someone is terminally ill or has recently passed away, is also not
appropriate in terms of an expression of grief. No one person is ever totally responsible
for what happens with another person's life. If someone is being scapegoated,
it becomes increasingly obvious that there is a problem, but it is probably not
with that person. The entire family or community needs to examine what is
happening. Scapegoating is actually an ancient
practice that involved cleansing a family or a community by putting all of the
blame for whatever, on one person and then driving the person who has been
designated as a scapegoat, out of the community. Scapegoating is not a Christian
practice and indicates unbelief in Christ and the forgiveness of sins. Remember
that Christ died for all, and for all time and eternity. There is no
scapegoating in true Christian circles.
Fighting, arguing, beating
others up, isolating them or abusing them in any way, is never appropriate in
terms of the grieving process, but it happens all of the time. It is not
unusual to see someone who is disabled, or someone who has been injured in the
past or someone who has just lost their job being abused by others, when
someone is terminally ill or has died.
Quite often children or animals
are abused by those who are grieving during the various stages in the grief
process. This abuse may be open or hidden by the abuser. Either way, it is not
an appropriate expression of grief.
Refusing to allow others to actively or inactively participate in a wake, celebratory meal or vigil, can be extremely cruel and
is inappropriate in terms of expressions of grief. Everyone should be invited
and included and if they are not, then there is something wrong with the grief
expression of those who are grieving, or those who have done the organizing and
the planning. It is not unusual to see some family members locked out of
services, funerals, wakes or dinners, simply because they are perceived as
being unworthy by others.
Remember that you who are
grieving might get away with inappropriate responses to grief, but in time, you
will have to live with what you do to others when you are grieving, so grieve
in appropriate ways and you will be glad that you did. Be aware that you may need
those same people around you, if you should become terminally ill. Your family
or friends may need them as well, should you pass away.
Find appropriate expressions of
grief which manifest love for one another. Teach and help others to do the
same. The most appropriate form of expression of grief is to pray that God will send you
and all of the others who are grieving, His Comforter, as He has promised in
His Word. Remember the miracle of the Resurrection. Remember that love always wins
and that you will be remembered and loved for the love that you show. Your
inappropriate expressions of grief may or may not be forgotten and forgiven by
others.
Losing a loved one is never easy,
but it can offer a new appreciation of life and the relationships that we have
with others.
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